Kirjoitin tämän alunperin englanniksi, enkä jaksa sitä alkaa suomeksi kääntää. Jos et osaa englantia, kyynel.
I have always been a big girl and mum
confirms it. I have always been off the charts and the doctors and
nurses have been worried about it. I guess mum and dad have been too,
but for years I couldn't care less as long as I got my daily candy
and my food.
I am not sure how much it has affected
me that I have been a nightmare when mum went to check upos with me,
but she has told me that she bribed to behave... ”Darling behave
today and I'll buy you an ice cream when we go home.” Of course I
behaved... hell that earned me an ice cream, gotta sing for my supper
and all that jazz. Mum has been worried that this was the reason why
I like the candy so much, but I am not sure. I mean these check ups
didn't happen that often.
But then there's the thing that after
mum went to back to work and I had to be put into the care of others
for the day, day care or what the hell it is called, I don't know. I
am not sure, but I think what happened was that mum felt bad, she
felt guilty and tried to compensate that with bying me some small
every day be it candy or something else. I think that is the one of
the big reasons why I am so big. I never learned control. Bare in in
mind that this is all speculation.
After I grew up a little and started
receiving allowance every week. First it was 20 finnish marks per
week, then it was 5 euros. I never put the money to bank, I always
spent in in candy... because mum wasn't vuing me those anymore. I
spent the money on the first day I could. I wasn't in control. Hell I
still haven't learned control and I am 26. I loved to eat, but
healthy foods weren't that high on my list. Potato chips, candy,
chocolates, ice cream, pizza... that was what I liked and still do.
I haven't learned how to cook, I never
bothered. I still don't even like the thought of cooking. I have a
strong dislike for it. I find no enjoyment in it... however when some
cooks for me, I am in heaven. I love to eat. I eat when I am happy,
to celebrate. I eat when I am sad, to drown my feelings, to feel
comfortably numb. I eat when I am stressed, I eat when I am
depressed... My eating is beased on feelings. And I need to learn the
fact that I need to eat to stay alive, I am not alive so I can eat.
One more reason.... I think that when
mum and divorced, that unlocked something in me. The binge eater. I
think that's the time when I learned that eating because one wants to
drown feelings is ok, that it is completely acceptable. I think that
is the time when all went to south and fast. Before that I think I
could have fixed my habits with little trouble, but now it is
complete hell.
I have heard people tell me that I am
fat all my life, family, friends, strangers... it's okay to yell at a
fat person and so on and so forth. Well fuck that. I think it should
be acceptabe to yell at thin people too... ”hey, you skinny bitch!”
Because of that I have created an armour. I don't give a fuck what
you think, get the hell out of my way or I'll walk over you! I smile
when I want to scream and cry, I crack jokes when in reality I am
ready to commit murders.
People stil try to tell me how I am
supposed to be eating, what I should too. I know all that shit
already. I know I am supposed to eat less calories than I spend, I am
supposed to watch my carbs and I am supposed to exercise. I KNOW!
Damn it! What I don't know, is how to turn the theory to exercise,
how to bring the knowledge into my everyday life.
But I am trying and I am not giving up.
My operation shake that booty is still in effect. It's just going
slow.
